Feeling Gray

Feeling Gray

I’m not looking for sympathy or advice here, I just want to put my feelings into words and this format seems to help me. Of course, I would welcome any comments. When I express my emotions in writing they don’t seem so overwhelming and I can start to move through them.

I tend to hold in my feelings and even dwell on them, rather than share them as they come up. I’m always concerned about how other people will receive what I have to say and if my sharing will be off putting to them. I’ve written about being sensitive before and I’m well aware that I have a “unique” way of interpreting interpersonal relationships. There are times when my feelings consume me and I just have to share. Unfortunately, the “getting it out” takes precedence over my tact and I can say things, well, rather bluntly.

My focus lately has been on sharing more of who I am, being more authentic, and having the self confidence to express myself and my needs,  IN A NON CONFRONTATIONAL WAY.

Let’s just say, I need some more practice in the finesse department. I shared something recently and really hurt someone’s feelings that I care a lot about. I had been holding it in for a while and it came out all wrong. I apologized, but I can’t take back the confusion and hurt I caused, and I know I was extremely off putting (exactly what I’ve tried to avoid my entire life).

I’m feeling pretty embarrassed, misunderstood,  and very, very sad. This makes me want to abandon the whole idea of authenticity and go back to being slightly detached so I can keep my emotions to myself. This way I can never hurt anyone’s feelings and know I won’t be judged for sharing mine.

But this morning I read “The Story of the Hummingbird,” as told by celebrated Kenyan environmental activist, women’s rights advocate, and 2004 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Professor Wangari Maathai.
“We are constantly being bombarded by problems that we face and sometimes we can get completely overwhelmed. So it (the hummingbird) flies to the nearest stream and takes a drop of water. It puts it on the fire, and goes up and down, up and down, up and down, as fast as it can.”

Rather than get discouraged, I will take a lesson from the hummingbird, who tries to put out a fire with droplets of water from its tiny beak. I will continue to do the best that I can in moving towards my personal goals even when they seem daunting.


5 thoughts on “Feeling Gray

  1. You are the most authentic person I know Jeanne, one who follows her heart, has tremendous compassion, is an incredible friend, and truly cares about people. That’s how people see you. We all make mistakes, sometimes say things or do things we wish we could take back, it’s what makes us human. Give yourself a hug, I’m sending you a big one. Gray doesn’t last forever.


  2. Pingback: S.A.D. | Be All There

  3. Pingback: Cumulative Emotions | Be All There

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