Sometimes I wish there was an emotional heart valve. One that I could control and let in only the good things. It doesn’t work that way. My heart is always open and so I feel everything. And when there are many emotionally charged things going on at once, it can feel overwhelming.
Vulnerability.
That’s what it is. I can weep at the drop of a hat lately. Selling my house, packing and moving into a smaller house in a new area, my work routine changing again soon and the anniversary of my dad’s passing.
I feel so exposed emotionally that sometimes I feel as if my heart is beating outside of my chest. It’s been three years since my dad died suddenly. Although he lived a full life for 88 years, his death was a big shock and the grief that followed was incapacitating.
Vulnerability.
My dad was one of ten children and a World War II Veteran. He was fearless, outspoken and even a little rough around the edges. He was able to impact more people in his life on a daily basis than anyone I know, always working for Veterans’ rights. He was “larger than life” and never took no for an answer. He had a big heart and an even greater willingness to forgive. I always admired that about him.
Even though we butted heads at times because I challenged him often and wished he was a little more sensitive, I always knew that he loved me.
My dad was tough and strong and I think my soft and sensitive self made him a little uncomfortable. I don’t think I totally accepted who I was until I no longer judged myself through the lens of my father’s eyes.
I began to embrace who I was and the vulnerability that I was feeling and, rather than look away, I looked inward, perhaps for the first time. I began to dwell less on the past and worry less about the future. That’s where I’d been most comfortable and it was always a welcome distraction from what I was feeling in the present. I knew I had to open myself up and learn how to process what I was thinking and feeling in a healthy way, in a way that would make me stronger.
I asked for help when I needed it and began a journey of self discovery to find out what makes me feel happy, healthy and grounded.
Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. It requires strength and perseverance to be in that space.
Embracing vulnerability can be terrifying yet life-giving at the same time.
I’m grateful that I’ve had the courage to open myself up to change and the swirl of emotions that come with it.
Thanks dad!
Be All There 